Career descriptors that you may want to ignore

Random Wisdom

If you are a frequent visitor to LinkedIn and read enough career profiles on there you inevitably start judging the likely character traits and experiences of individuals more than is perhaps fair to them. It is human nature and I admit I am guilty of doing it.

In this article I look at perceptions I have of certain descriptors people us to describe themselves.

Caveat: If you enjoy reading humble-brag posts on LinkedIn, articles stuffed with regurgitated inspirational quotes put together by Richard Branson’s PR team on his behalf, or a deep and meaningful messages highlighting my vulnerable-side then this post probably isn’t for you.

However, if you want to read my unfiltered and semi-serious musings on dumb the words folk use to describe themselves then this could be for you.

Here we go:

GROWTH HACKER

A person specialising in nothing. The ‘incrementum piratica’ does not understand the basics of marketing, sales, development, product, or finance. Normally spotted running away from any and all targets.

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INFLUENCER

Almost always unemployed. Likely a rabid narcissist running up massive credit card debts and ‘humble-bragging’ about an engagement boost you received from a minor celebrity 5-7 years ago whilst attempting to live the life they cannot afford. Normally spotted in high-end shops.

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT

Employed straight from University. You pay for their life experience and skill set. 99% of them have never started, grown, or turned a struggling business around. Whats more, they never will. Often wear neat suits though. Normally spotted lingering in the lobbies of tower blocks talking about the number of gites on the Cote d’Azur they pretend to own.

KEYNOTE SPEAKER

Positions themselves as a a default expert. The reality is that they are just looking to book their next gig, sale, or jolly.

MIXOLOGIST

Dude, you’re a great bartender, or barista… and you know what, that’s good enough. You do not need to create new descriptors.

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ENTREPRENEUR

I am guilty of using this one myself from time-to-time. Even managed to spell it wrong a few times. In the 21st century, it can mean everything from investor, through to blogger. No qualification of success, just a moniker. Founder, or Investor is now a far better descriptor.

EXPERT/GURU/NINJA

Some super-talented people out there. However, normal caveats apply as when dealing with consultants and associated grifters. Normally spotted in coffee shops talking to Mixologists.

BRAND WARRIOR

As pseudo-guardians of the brand, the Warriors linger in large organised groups with the intent to stop any and all usage of the brand name. Always spotted organising meetings about organising meetings from 9am through to 5pm (sharp), they outsourced an actionable Board-level report once, I believe.

PROFESSIONAL MENTOR

Unlike the informal and friendly mentor, the self-aggrandising professional mentor is desperate to be heard and seen. With plenty of time on his/her hands, the mentee exists purely as a mirror. Frequently spotted in coffee shops with younger subordinates reliving imagined victories, like Alan Partridge.

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If dumb job titles make you smile then visit Freddie Campion’s hilarious Silicon Valley Job Title Generator.

Anyway, this has been my starter list of job and career descriptors. Please feel free to drop me an Email with ones that I may have missed. I’ll make sure I take credit for them.

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